Loving someone who struggles with alcoholism can be exhausting and confusing – and trying to figure out if or when to leave an alcoholic can be even more so.
Chances are, you’re feeling torn between wanting to help them defeat addiction and recognizing that their addiction is negatively affecting your well-being. Deciding to leave is never easy, but sometimes it’s necessary.
Walking away is not giving up – it’s choosing yourself
Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC
You’re likely reading this article after carefully considering your relationship with an alcoholic partner. Maybe you’ve decided to leave and want confirmation that your experience has been harmful. Maybe their drinking has reached a peak where it feels like their life is out of control, and yours is spiraling, too.
Alcoholism can absolutely be treated. But when a spouse or partner can’t stop abusing alcohol, the future feels hopeless.
Keep reading to learn more about how alcoholism impacts loved ones and what signs to look for that indicate it may be time to walk away.
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
What are the signs of alcoholism?
Alcoholism, or Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), affects approximately 18 million adults in the U.S.1 A clinical AUD diagnosis is made when a person’s drinking has escalated to the point of physical dependence.
Signs of alcohol use disorder can vary depending on the severity and individual circumstances, but here are some common ones to watch for:
| Cravings | A strong desire or urge to drink |
| Loss of control | Inability to limit alcohol intake or stop drinking once started |
| Physical dependence | Withdrawal symptoms like nausea, sweating, or shaking when not drinking |
| Tolerance | Needing more alcohol to achieve the same effects |
| Neglecting responsibilities | Prioritizing drinking over work, school, or family obligations |
| Continued use despite problems | Drinking despite knowing it’s causing physical, mental, or interpersonal issues |
| Time spent drinking | Spending a lot of time obtaining alcohol, drinking, or recovering from its effects |
| Reduced activities | Giving up or reducing social, occupational, or recreational activities due to drinking |
What are the psychological effects of living with an alcoholic spouse?
Living with an alcoholic partner is psychologically draining, even when they are actively trying to recover.
Over time, your mental health suffers, and your emotions can feel unstable. Your physical health could be lacking from sleep deprivation and the impact of anxiety on your body. Recognizing these effects and connecting them with your experience takes time and doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.
You’re likely reaching a limit with an alcoholic partner if you notice these effects:
- Chronic stress and anxiety about your partner’s drinking and behavior, feeling like you’re constantly in “fight or flight” mode
- Depression from feeling stuck in a cycle of unpredictability and powerlessness
- Emotional abuse and low self-esteem
- Codependency and enabling behavior from putting the alcoholic’s needs above their own and feeling responsible for “fixing” them.
- Social isolation from withdrawing from friends and family due to embarrassment or shame
- Financial stress from worrying about money or housing
At this point, it might be best to decide not if, but when to leave an alcoholic.
How to decide when to leave an alcoholic: 6 red flags to consider
Leaving your relationship is a difficult and serious decision.
Deciding this does not make you a bad person, but the consequences can be permanent. However, leaving may be in your best interest if you find yourself in any of the following situations.
1. Your safety is at risk
If your partner’s alcoholism has led to dangerous behaviors, you aren’t safe, and this is a huge red flag.
Physical violence and recklessness, even verbal abuse, are not acceptable. Abuse and addiction often go hand in hand, and no one deserves to live in fear.
2. They refuse to acknowledge the problem
If your partner consistently denies their addiction, refuses help, or dismisses your concerns, building a healthy relationship or expecting things to change is impossible.
You cannot force someone to change their patterns.
3. Broken promises and manipulation
Relapse is a part of the recovery process for many people, and your patience as a support person is tested. However, continuously cycling in and out of recovery reduces trust over time.
If your alcoholic partner has made promises to quit drinking or seek help, only to fall back into their old habits, you’re likely exhausted. Wondering if someone will make their efforts stick is a mentally and emotionally draining experience.
Know that if you feel this way, you’re not alone.
4. Your mental and emotional health is deteriorating
Living with an alcoholic can lead to mental health issues like anxiety and depression.
Feeling constantly stressed and worried about their behavior is a lot for one person to handle. If your quality of life has significantly decreased, staying in the relationship is not serving you.
5. Your children are affected
Growing up in an environment where addiction is present can have lasting emotional and psychological effects.2
If your partner’s drinking is negatively impacting your children, remember that your children’s safety is crucial – and their well-being must come first.
Children are resilient, but navigating the feelings of fear that surround alcoholism is a lot for anyone to handle. Often, children and teens feel responsible for a parent’s drinking habits, and they deserve to feel safe in a more predictable setting.
6. You’ve tried everything… but nothing changes
We all have a limit or breaking point. If you’ve done everything you can and nothing changes, your partner’s recovery is beyond your control.
Loving someone with an addiction means providing ongoing support and repeated boundary setting – and after doing this for years, it leads to burnout. If you feel like you’ve tried therapy, interventions, and even giving ultimatums unsuccessfully, leaving is the next logical step.
Deciding how and when to leave an alcoholic
Remember: You deserve to live in peace, happiness, and safety. Walking away is not giving up – it’s choosing yourself.
But leaving is a process. Anywhere emotions and dependencies are involved is complex. The important thing is to take one step at a time and know that not everyone will need to follow the same steps because each situation is unique.
Once you’ve decided when to leave an alcoholic, make a clear plan. Before informing your partner, you need to consider:
- Where you’ll go
- How you’ll handle finances
- How you’ll manage any shared responsibilities, like children or pets
- Whether or not you should stay with a trusted friend or family member – engage with these people in your support system ahead of time, particularly if your partner has been violent or threatening.
- Whether or not you should reach out to shelters or domestic violence support organizations for help
Prepare for resistance from your partner. This resistance could be emotional manipulation or attempts to guilt you into staying. But once you’ve decided to leave, try to stick with it, even if it’s difficult.
It may take time, but you deserve a life free from the emotional burden of addiction.
If you’re deciding when to give up on an alcoholic husband or wife, you’re making a deeply personal decision, but one that can be necessary for your well-being. Find the support you need from friends, family, a therapist, or support groups like Al-Anon.
You are not alone, and there is life and healing beyond this relationship.
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