Living with an alcoholic, or rather, someone with an alcohol use disorder can be an incredibly challenging experience. It can lead to various emotional hardships, from frustration and anger to fear and despair.
The cycle of addiction can create a ripple effect, extending well beyond the individual to their family members, partners, and friends, who often find themselves entangled in patterns of enabling, emotional distress, or personal sacrifice.
As a former therapist who’s worked with countless people struggling with substance use, I’ve seen firsthand how difficult it can be to live with someone struggling with alcohol. I get it – the emotional roller coaster, constant worry, and feeling of being pulled in a million directions.
In this article, I’ll share practical advice based on my professional experience and personal insights. We’ll talk about setting boundaries, caring for yourself, and finding the proper support to navigate this challenging journey.
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
Recognizing alcoholism and its impact on the household
When living with an “alcoholic” – someone with an alcohol use disorder – it’s important to be able to recognize the condition and its effects on both your loved one and your household.
Alcoholism, more accurately termed alcohol use disorder (AUD), is a chronic medical condition where an individual becomes dependent on alcohol.1 It’s not simply about drinking too much; it’s about the harmful patterns and behaviors associated with alcohol consumption.
Stages and symptoms of AUD
Alcohol use disorder is extremely common, with the World Health Organization reporting around 7% of the world’s population (or 400 million people), 15 and older, live with an alcohol use disorder.2 So, it has pretty significant effects around the world.
AUD often progresses through stages. In its early stages, it might present as a need for alcohol to relax or unwind, with increasing frequency or quantity over time.
As it progresses, signs of dependence and loss of control become apparent, often resulting in drinking at inappropriate times, missed responsibilities, and even health complications. Advanced stages of AUD may involve severe withdrawal symptoms, a near-constant need for alcohol, and difficulty managing any aspect of daily life without it.
Signs and symptoms of AUD can vary from person to person but often include:
- Frequent Cravings: An intense desire or urge to drink, even in situations where it may be inappropriate.
- Inability to Control Drinking: Drinking more than intended or being unable to cut back, even when attempting to do so.
- Tolerance and Withdrawal: Needing more alcohol to feel its effects and experiencing symptoms like sweating, anxiety, and irritability when not drinking.
- Neglect of Responsibilities: Prioritizing drinking over work, family, or social obligations.3
Effects on relationships
As a former therapist, I’ve encountered countless families where alcohol abuse has created a toxic environment and had devastating impacts on the household.
Living with an alcoholic, better referred to as someone with an alcohol use disorder, can cause significant trust issues. I’ve witnessed firsthand the repeated broken promises and unreliable behavior of the person struggling with alcohol use, resulting in the erosion of trust in the household.
Alcohol consumption also seems more likely to increase divorce rates in the US by up to 20%.4
The emotional toll of living with an alcoholic can be overwhelming, causing stress, anxiety, and depression. Then there are the financial problems due to alcohol-related expenses and work instability that have placed families in financial strain.
I’ve also, unfortunately, been there to walk families through the feelings of isolation and resentment when their loved one, who’s struggling with AUD, neglects family, friends, and responsibilities in favor of drinking.
But it’s important to remember that every situation is unique. The key is to recognize the signs of alcohol use disorder and take steps to address the problem.
Tips for how to live with an alcoholic
Living with an alcoholic (someone with AUD) can be emotionally draining and at times overwhelming, but there are strategies to help you cope and maintain your well-being.
Here are some tips from a former therapist who has worked closely with individuals, and their loved ones, dealing with substance abuse:
1. Prioritize self-care and emotional boundaries
Living with someone struggling with an alcohol use disorder can shift focus almost entirely to their needs and struggles. This can leave you feeling depleted.
Make time for activities that replenish you—whether it’s exercising, hobbies, or spending time with friends. Self-care is essential for mental health and can decrease anxiety and depression.5 These activities remind you that your needs are equally important.
Establish clear boundaries regarding what behavior is acceptable and what you will not tolerate. For example, you may choose not to engage in arguments if the person has been drinking or decide to avoid covering up for them when they miss responsibilities.
I’ve seen clients thrive once they learned the power of self-care and boundary-setting. Many realized that they could still offer compassion without sacrificing their own well-being.
2. Avoid enabling behaviors
Enabling is any behavior that makes it easier for the person to continue drinking. This can look like covering up for them, providing financial support, or excusing their behavior.
Instead of shielding them from consequences, allow them to experience the results of their actions. For example, if they miss an important commitment due to drinking, avoid making excuses on their behalf.
I’ve seen many people struggle with letting go of enabling behaviors because they feel harsh or unloving. However, standing back is one of the most supportive things you can do—it can serve as a wake-up call for them.
3. Use calm and clear communication
When communicating, avoid accusations or emotionally charged statements. Instead, stick to “I” statements, like “I feel hurt when plans are broken” or “I need peace and stability.”
Avoid trying to have serious conversations when they’ve been drinking. It’s often best to wait until they are sober and more receptive. In my experience, clients find more constructive communication happens when they avoid blaming or shaming language.
4. Seek out support systems
I have encouraged my clients to connect with support systems as much as possible. Many who attend support groups find it transformative to hear from others in similar situations and to know they’re not alone.
Al-Anon and similar groups offer a safe space to share and listen to others who understand. These groups can provide comfort, coping strategies, and a sense of community. Confiding in trusted loved ones who know about the situation can also be invaluable. They can offer perspective and emotional support that keeps you grounded.
5. Encourage treatment – without pushing
Plant the seed and gently encourage them toward treatment without pushing them, which can lead to defensiveness or denial.
Frame it as an option to consider rather than a demand. If they show interest in treatment or take a small step, acknowledge and support it without overwhelming them.
In my time as a therapist, I’ve seen that some clients have responded better when their loved ones have allowed them the space to explore recovery at their own pace.
6. Recognize your limits – and when to seek professional help
Sometimes, the best way to protect your well-being is to take a step back. This might mean a temporary separation or even ending the relationship if it has become emotionally or physically unsafe. There’s also no shame in needing professional support.
Therapy can provide a space to process the emotional weight of living with an alcoholic and explore the best steps forward. If the situation is taking a significant toll on your mental health—causing anxiety, depression, or physical symptoms—it’s essential to seek professional help. Therapists can provide coping strategies tailored to your unique experience.
Finding balance and moving forward
Living with someone with an alcohol use disorder can be incredibly difficult, but with the proper strategies and support, it’s possible to find a healthier balance. But this article is just a starting point.
Remember: You cannot control another person’s behavior, but you can control your actions and reactions. Focusing on your well-being empowers you to create a healthier environment for yourself and potentially encourage your loved one to seek help.
BACtrack View is also often used to help couples and families rebuild trust (and maintain their sanity) while living in the same household. Learn more about BACtrack View and how it can support your journey.
Hope and recovery are within reach. Be kind to yourself, seek support, and move forward with strength and courage.
Sources
- https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder ↩︎
- https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/alcohol ↩︎
- https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/book/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596 ↩︎
- https://psychiatryonline.org/doi/book/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596 ↩︎
- https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7418416/ ↩︎
About The Author
