It’s completely understandable to want to help your partner if they are struggling with addiction. However: There comes a point when your help can actually harm both of you. And that’s when codependency and addiction intertwine. Finding a balance between support and enabling can be challenging. If you notice that your efforts are not leading to positive changes, it might be time to consider how to plan an intervention. Connecting with a professional who specializes in addiction can provide guidance on the best approach to take when addressing your partner’s struggles.
While your efforts may be rooted in good faith, these relationship patterns can keep you trapped in misery and lead to enabling behavior.
In therapy, I often tell clients that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do.
What is codependency?
Codependency is a behavioral pattern where someone prioritizes another person’s needs, problems, or emotions over their own to an unhealthy degree.
It often involves low self-esteem, a strong need for approval, and difficulty setting boundaries. A codependent person may feel responsible for fixing others or fear being rejected if they don’t constantly give or sacrifice.
Understanding codependency and addiction
Alcohol and substance use disorders take a toll on more than just the person struggling. The consequences associated with their harmful drinking patterns can affect everyone around them – especially close family members and friends.
Codependency forms as the consequences of your loved one’s actions begin to affect them and those around them.
For example, you may try to shield your partner from the results of their actions by bailing them out, covering them when they miss work or paying their bills. But because your partner does not have to face the negative consequences of their actions, they are free to continue drinking.
As their alcohol use disorder worsens, the potential consequences become more severe. The sober partner often ends up spending significant time and energy “helping” their spouse while ignoring their own needs.
As this pattern deepens, so does their resentment and obsession with their partner. They may try to control their drinking or manipulate them into drinking less, with little to no success. This level of codependency is associated with significant mental health issues, including anxiety and depression.1
Before they know it, they are as sick as their addicted spouse.
Recognizing codependent patterns of behavior
No one, of course, aspires to become codependent. These patterns slowly develop over time as your partner’s addictive patterns grow.
Without proper intervention that includes services for both yourself and your partner, this cycle may continue to self-perpetuate. In fact, you may not even realize you’re in a cycle of codependency until someone else points out these behaviors.
If you’re concerned you may be in a codependent relationship, here are a few signs to look out for:
- You feel responsible for solving your partner’s addiction issues.
- Their addiction-related behavior makes you feel unloved and unappreciated.
- You are constantly looking for your partner’s affirmation or approval.
- A fear of abandonment and a need for control spur your obsession to try to save them.
- You don’t hold them accountable for their bad actions and unacceptable behavior.
- You treat your partner like a child and continuously offer unsolicited advice to control the situation.
- You often resort to guilt-tripping or shaming your partner in an effort to help them get better.
- Despite your attempts to control the situation and your partner’s behavior, you often feel like a victim.
- In the past, you have had other relationships with people who struggle with alcohol or substance abuse.
If you feel unlovable, have low self-esteem and feel defined by your relationship, you may have developed codependency.
Someone who is codependent may feel drawn to caretaking roles and often put the needs of others ahead of themselves. They may also feel greatly uncomfortable and insecure unless they are needed.
And, if you’re codependent, you may struggle with setting appropriate boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others.
Is codependency bad?
In a word: Yes.
Codependency is a harmful pattern of behavior. It is an unhealthy way of attempting to maintain safety and improve your own self-esteem in a relationship that isn’t working.
Although codependency doesn’t necessarily occur all the time with substance abuse, it is common among family members of those who struggle with alcohol or substance use disorder.
Partners, parents and children can all be affected, and symptoms may worsen over time as their loved one’s addiction grows. This can lead to strained relationships, feelings of helplessness, and increased stress within the family unit.
To combat these challenges, it is crucial to establish open lines of communication and seek support. Teaching children about substance use, for example, can empower them to recognize and cope with the complexities of their loved one’s struggles.
Breaking the cycle of codependency
In some cases, addiction is rooted in attachment disorder, where the individual with substance use disorder fails to develop a secure and healthy attachment style with their parent or caregiver.2
When a codependent partner finds themself in a relationship with a person struggling with alcohol use disorder, the relationship may take on more of a caregiver-child role, becoming distorted and unhealthy. As the codependent partner enables their spouse to continue using alcohol without facing any negative consequences, additional relationship issues may occur.
Although it is difficult to break the cycle, you can learn how to not be codependent and adopt a new mindset. The first step towards overcoming codependency is the acknowledgment that you:
- Didn’t cause your partner’s addiction
- Can’t cure their alcohol use disorder
- Can’t control whether or not they get better
You are not responsible for your partner’s alcohol use. Once you come to terms with that fact, you can learn how to let go of your self-imposed responsibility for their disease.
It is beyond your personal capability to force them to get well. Rather, it is on themselves to get sober and choose the path of recovery. Now that you understand that you aren’t in control of them, you can start to focus on what you can control – you and your behaviors.
How to not be codependent: 5 Steps
Now that you understand the dynamics behind codependent relationships and how they develop, it’s time to break free from these patterns and learn how to heal.
1. Work on building your self-esteem
Studies suggest a link between low self-esteem and codependency.3 And it’s hard to set healthy boundaries in your relationship and advocate for your needs if you doubt your own self-worth.
So, instead of focusing on trying to control your partner’s addiction, spend more time on the things that matter to you. Take care of your own needs and work towards building a higher level of self-respect.
By increasing your confidence, you can learn to let go of your codependent tendencies and recognize what is in your best interest.
2. Set (and enforce) boundaries
If you are in a codependent relationship, you likely have trouble setting and enforcing boundaries.
By setting up personal boundaries, you can express exactly how you’d like to be treated while breaking the cycle of codependency and addiction.
Setting boundaries requires you to think about exactly what it would take for you to be happy and healthy. These boundaries may include:
- Insisting that your spouse speaks to you with respect.
- Not allowing your partner in your home when they are actively using.
- Refuse to allow your partner to emotionally manipulate you.
- Speak honestly and openly about what you need.
- Don’t feel obligated to be present when you are emotionally or physically drained.
- No longer bailing your spouse out of jail or giving them money for alcohol.
- Not covering for your spouse when they miss work due to alcohol use.
Communicate the boundaries you make clearly to your spouse and stand firm with them.
When you always follow through with your boundaries, your spouse will eventually understand that you are no longer willing to participate in codependent behavior – which may prompt them to finally seek help.
3. Rediscover interests and spend time alone
The need to be aware of your partner’s whereabouts at all times is an indicator of codependency. Overcome this cycle by working towards becoming more independent and comfortable with spending time apart from them. Some things you can do include:
- Taking time for yourself and practicing self-care.
- Rediscovering activities and hobbies you enjoy doing alone.
- Nurturing the friendships you may have neglected due to your relationship.
- Connecting with new people, whether it’s through shared hobbies or support groups.
Whether you sign up for a gym, take a French cooking class or learn how to grow a garden, it’s important to have interests outside your relationship. By spending more time on your own, you can learn more about yourself and what you truly want out of life.
4. Consider working with a therapist
It’s difficult to see and recognize codependent behavior without objective feedback. A therapist can help identify codependent patterns and collaborate with you on positive solutions so you can heal and understand the root cause of your behavior.
Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you address codependency and negative self-talk while developing healthier ways of coping and assessing your own needs.
5. Attend a 12-step program or other support group
Twelve-step programs like Al-Anon are not only for people with alcohol use disorder. There are also groups for close family members and friends of people with an alcohol use disorder.
These programs offer invaluable group support from others who understand exactly what you’re going through. Members of these groups can help you recognize and overcome codependent behavior as you learn how to be more independent.
The bottom line on codependency and addiction
Living with a spouse or close family member with an alcohol use disorder is difficult. While wanting to help them get better is understandable, it’s important to take care of yourself and break the pattern of codependency.
Using accountability tools like BACtrack View can help reestablish trust in your relationship by keeping your loved one accountable and motivated to overcome alcohol use disorder. They can help you create a healthier relationship and navigate the challenges of addiction recovery in a more productive manner. Additionally, these tools can foster open communication, making it easier to address underlying issues without resorting to confrontation. By reinforcing honesty and accountability, you can help mitigate the lying that often accompanies alcoholism, paving the way for a more transparent relationship.
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