How to Help an Alcoholic Who Doesn’t Want Help

What to do (and not do) next

Supporting a loved one with alcohol use disorder who refuses help is challenging. But setting healthy boundaries, avoiding enabling behaviors, and staying compassionate can encourage them toward recovery. And although they may not seek treatment immediately, patience, education, and interventions can help guide them in the right direction.

It can be frustrating and even heartbreaking when someone you love refuses to get treatment for their alcohol addiction. And when you’re not sure how to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want help.

Many times, people with alcohol use disorder know, on some level, that there is a problem but are unsure what to do about it. They may even feel as though there’s no hope for recovery. In most cases, someone will not find success in a treatment program until they accept that they are addicted.

However, there are still steps you can take if the person you care about is in denial and refuses to accept treatment.

Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait. 

Understand the situation

Watching your loved one deal with an alcohol use disorder is difficult, and it’s natural to want to address the issue as soon as possible to get them the help they need.

However, if it sounds as though you don’t understand what you’re talking about, it will be difficult for your loved one to take you seriously. Before approaching them, it’s important to educate yourself on the nature of addiction and the many struggles they may be facing.

Understand that alcohol use disorder is not a choice. It is a disease.1 When someone struggles with alcohol, they face immense internal pressure to drink due to the reward pathways in their brain. To overcome this battle, they can’t rely on willpower alone.

Steps to take when an alcoholic refuses help

After learning about addiction, it’s essential to know what you can and cannot do to help your loved one.

While you may feel they should be admitted to a treatment center or rehabilitation clinic, you may not be able to get them enrolled against their will (although this depends on the state you live in and the nature of their addiction). But regardless of whether they receive treatment or not, there are steps you can take when someone with addiction refuses help.

1. Set healthy boundaries

Yes, you may want to do everything you can to help your loved one, but you must set boundaries and take care of your own mental health, too.

Because when you set boundaries, you are making an effort to protect yourself from your loved one’s manipulations while holding them accountable for their actions. Some healthy boundaries you may consider setting include:

  • No drinking or doing drugs around your family or in your home
  • If they get arrested, you will not pay for their bail or a lawyer
  • You won’t lie in order to protect them from the consequences of their alcohol use
  • You will not sacrifice the safety of your family, yourself and other loved ones

If you do not set firm boundaries, your loved one may continue to take advantage of you. Make sure to communicate these boundaries with them and prepare to follow through with consequences for crossing them.

infographic with examples of 5 boundaries someone can set when trying to figure out how to help an alcoholic who doesn't want help

2. Stop enabling behaviors

Enabling your loved one’s addiction without establishing consequences will only build up their sense of entitlement, making it even more difficult for them to admit they have a problem.

If you provide them with financial support or other enabling behaviors, it’s time to cut them off. Avoid drinking around them, and do not invite them to gatherings where there will be alcohol.

By putting an end to your enabling and letting them know you want them to seek treatment, they may begin seeing you as a supportive person in their lives instead of someone they can take advantage of while drinking.

3. Establish consequences for actions

If your loved one is in denial about the scope of their addiction, you can always approach them with factual, black-and-white evidence.

For example, if they show up at your home visibly intoxicated but claim to be sober, you can check them their BAC level with a breathalyzer testing system like BACtrack View. A breathalyzer test offers irrefutable evidence of whether or not they are sober and can keep them accountable for their actions. Once you’ve established their level of intoxication, it’s time to discuss the consequences of their actions. Potential consequences to consider include:

  • Cutting off all financial assistance
  • Moving out of the house
  • Evicting your loved one
Real BACtrack View customer using breathalyzer alcohol monitoring
Lauren, a real BACtrack View customer, using her breathalyzer

If you don’t follow through with the consequences of them showing up intoxicated, then your loved one may just take them as empty threats. As difficult as it can be to follow through, these consequences may help them understand the scope of their problem and could prompt them to get the help they need.

4. Stay compassionate and empathetic

If you’ve never experienced addiction yourself, then it’s difficult for you to understand how strong of a grip alcohol can have on someone’s life. For this reason, it is challenging to put yourself in their shoes. You may even find yourself wondering why they can’t just quit.

But it’s not that simple. Although it’s frustrating, try to remain compassionate and empathetic towards your loved one. Encourage them to communicate with you about their struggles and the challenges they face. The more open and encouraging you are with them, the easier it will be to provide them with the support they need.

5. Don’t lecture your loved one about their alcohol use

Living with a family member who is struggling with addiction can be very frustrating. You may even be tempted to lecture them about the negative behavior and consequences of addiction.

However, lecturing them is not likely to be very effective. A primary sign of alcohol use disorder is continuing to drink despite the negative personal and professional consequences that drinking has on their life. So if someone is unable to control their drinking, lecturing will have very little effect on them at all.

6. Don’t blame them or make accusations

Your family member may have already neglected their personal and professional duties due to alcohol use. They may have also engaged in violent and abusive behavior while under the influence.2

But making accusations or placing the blame on them will likely make them defensive. Once their defenses are up, they will probably not be willing to listen to what you have to say.

Photo by Soragrit Wongsa on Unsplash

7. Consider an intervention

When all else fails, you may want to consider staging an intervention. Although planning an intervention may feel intimidating, hiring an intervention specialist can alleviate some of the stress. Here are some tips:

  • While planning an intervention, it’s important to have each participant prepare what they have to say beforehand.
  • Review these statements so you can remain focused on productive discussions.
  • Remember to stay calm and avoid reacting in a manner that may escalate the situation.
  • Conclude your intervention with information on treatments available for them to enter if they agree to move forward with getting help.

Encouraging someone to seek treatment for alcohol use disorder is often an uphill battle. It’s important to remember that not all people who struggle with alcohol use disorder will immediately seek out help once confronted. Sometimes, they may genuinely want help but need time to process the changes they are about to endure.

Regardless of the outcome, it’s important to care for yourself and your own needs and remain patient. Over time, they may eventually decide to move forward and seek the help they need to overcome addiction.

Sources
  1. Nehring SM, Chen RJ, Freeman AM. Alcohol Use Disorder. . In: StatPearls . Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2024 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK436003/ ↩︎
  2. McCrady BS, Flanagan JC. The Role of the Family in Alcohol Use Disorder Recovery for Adults. Alcohol Res. 2021 May 6;41(1):06. doi: 10.35946/arcr.v41.1.06. PMID: 33981521; PMCID: PMC8104924. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8104924/ ↩︎

About The Author

Emily Mendez
Emily Mendez
M.S., EdS
Emily Mendez is a mental health writer based in Indiana. Her work has appeared in eCounseling, TherapyTribe, and Sonderm... Read More
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