When you’re debating what to say to an alcoholic, it can feel like you’re navigating a conversational landmine.
Will you inadvertently trigger them to drink more? Will you push them away? What should you not say?
If you’re struggling to figure out how to communicate with someone who drinks in excess, you’re not alone.
Alcohol addiction is, unfortunately, common – in the US alone, over 28 million adults had alcohol use disorder in 2023. Each of whom likely impacted their families and friends through their drinking.1
Now, even if you’ve never struggled with a drinking problem, try to put yourself in their shoes. Chances are, you’d resist seeking help or even admitting you need help. You might only reach out to a person for support if you trusted them to be sensitive and nonjudgemental.
So, you need to be that person. You need to foster a conversation that encourages openness and trust, and doesn’t make the other person feel attacked or looked down upon. This is a difficult task and it takes practice.
But you can absolutely do this. With a bit of knowledge about alcohol use disorder and some preparation, you’ll be able to know what to say – and what not to say – to the person struggling with alcohol use disorder in your life.
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
8 tips for improving communication with an alcoholic
Most of us don’t have a “script” for how to confront an alcoholic – many times, we just avoid it altogether. Or, we let our frustration and pain take over and verbally attack a loved one. Both extremes happen, and both usually end up causing more resistance.
Here are some ideas for how to get through to a person with alcohol use disorder, and genuinely meet them where they’re at:
1. Educate yourself about alcohol use disorder
Nothing stops a conversation faster than saying something like, “Can’t you just drink less?”
You must understand that for people with alcohol use disorder, long-term change is a process. It might take time for them to acknowledge their problem or seek help.2
We don’t get to decide the “right” plan for someone else. We just have to keep showing up with support and a listening ear to help guide them toward healthy choices.
2. Choose the right time and place
Confronting a person about their alcoholism while they’re intoxicated is never a good idea.
Even if the person is drunk and you’re so upset about it that you want to say something – resist the urge. Plan to address the issue at another time, when they aren’t intoxicated.
Also, before talking to them, read the room. Avoid engaging in serious discussions about alcoholism around people who don’t need to be part of the conversation.
While it’s likely that you’re not the only person aware of their drinking issues, embarrassing the person who is struggling can make it seem like you don’t care about their feelings. It doesn’t matter if they’ve made bad choices: They deserve your consideration.
3. Approach with empathy and concern
Plan to use “I” statements to frame your concerns about how their behavior affects you. For example, “I feel worried when I see you drinking heavily.” Using “you” statements – i.e. “You are irresponsible for drinking this much” – sounds like blaming, and that can make anyone put their guard up.
You will want to do everything possible to avoid finger-pointing, as their road to alcoholism is incredibly complicated. They aren’t just randomly drinking too much. So, focus on care and concern rather than making blunt accusations.
4. Be honest but gentle
Honesty is crucial: you don’t want to beat around the bush. Get to the point and point out specific behaviors that are troubling.
Instead of generalizing, like “You always drink too much,” mention specific incidents that concern you. Insisting they do something wrong “always” adds more feelings of defeat, and frankly probably isn’t true.
Stick to the facts and avoid exaggerating. Hyperbolic statements made for dramatic effect often backfire and can provoke defensiveness.
5. Encourage dialogue
Hone your active listening skills before jumping into a conversation like this. Allow them to share their perspective without interrupting or judging, and make eye contact while acknowledging and validating what they say.
Ask open-ended questions that generate more than a “yes” or “no”. They are more likely to feel encouraged to reflect on their drinking habits and engage more in the conversation. For example, “How do you feel about your drinking?”
Yes, asking questions that do not place blame when you’re feeling frustrated about someone’s drinking is challenging. Therefore, before starting a conversation, consider rehearsing some questions with a trusted person or to yourself in the mirror. Empathy goes a long way here.
6. Avoid enabling behaviors
When we have a relationship with an alcoholic, it’s common to be concerned that we’re enabling them instead of providing support in healthy ways.
Once upon a time, you may have spent time drinking alongside this person. Maybe you aren’t sure how to relate to them without alcohol. We also might feel an urge to avoid conflict at any cost – including by not changing our own behaviors to better support this person.
But now, you need to give them tough love. A few ways you could do this:
- Set firm boundaries by choosing not to drink around this person, and upholding this choice.
- Don’t shield them from the consequences of their drinking, like covering up for missed work or lending money for alcohol.
- Not only should you not shield the person, but you should encourage responsibility by helping them see the real impact of their choices.
7. Offer support
Encourage them by letting them know you’re there for them without being forceful. Share information about support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous – there are also plenty of alternatives to AA out there – therapy, or treatment programs if they’re open to it.
Oftentimes, an alcoholic has burned bridges both during stages of heavy drinking and again while trying to regain sobriety. Choosing to show up for them in all stages is powerful and shows how much you care.
8. Know when to step back
Sometimes, it feels like your help isn’t enough. Or, helping another person so much can feel overwhelming.
After all, it’s emotionally draining to uphold boundaries and provide encouragement constantly. Your well-being is also important and worth protecting. If their behavior becomes harmful or far too much to handle, you absolutely can (and should) set limits and prioritize your mental health.
What to say to an alcoholic
Being patient, compassionate, and consistent can create an environment where people feel safe acknowledging their struggles and considering taking steps toward recovery. Here are some examples of helpful and validating comments:
| Examples | Reasoning |
|---|---|
| “I care about you, and I’m worried about your drinking.” | This comment shows that your concerns are based on love and empathy rather than judgment. |
| “I feel scared when you drink too much.” | “I” statements help avoid blame and communicate how their behavior affects you. |
| “I want to help you find ways to address this.” | Showing willingness to help creates a sense of teamwork and a desire to help. |
| “I understand quitting is difficult, and I’m here for you.” | Validating their challenge can make them feel understood. |
| “Last night, you missed dinner and didn’t call. I felt hurt and worried.” | Pointing out specific incidents keeps the conversation grounded in reality. |
| “It might help to talk to a counselor or a doctor about this.” | Suggesting professional help shows you care about their well-being. |
What not to say to an alcoholic
Communicating with an alcoholic can feel like walking on eggshells, but it doesn’t have to be that daunting. Understanding what not to say can help keep communication open and civil. Here are some examples of comments that could backfire:
| Examples | Reasoning |
|---|---|
| “You’re ruining everything!” | Blaming and making accusations may trigger defensiveness and shut down communication. |
| “You’re just a drunk.” | Labeling is hurtful and reduces the person to their addiction. |
| “It’s not that bad; you just need to stop.” | Minimizing a real problem undermines the complexity of addiction and their experience. |
| “If you don’t quit drinking, I’ll leave you.” | Empty threats and ultimatums damage trust; only say this if you are ready to act on it. |
| “At least you’re not as bad as so-and-so.” | Comparisons to other people can make them feel misunderstood or complacent. |
| “I’ve told you a million times to stop!” | Constant repetition and nagging may frustrate both parties and hinder progress. |
| “You’re an alcoholic.” | This label can be stigmatizing and cause defensiveness. Instead, focus on specific behaviors and impacts. |
| “Why can’t you just stop?” | This comment minimizes the complexities of addiction and might make the person feel misunderstood. |
| “You’re ruining your life and everyone else’s.” | Guilt-tripping can lead to further resistance rather than openness to change. |
| “You drink too much—it’s obvious to everyone.” | Broad generalizations can make the person feel attacked and less likely to engage. |
| “If you cared about me, you’d stop drinking.” | This comment ties their drinking to their relationships, potentially increasing shame and alienation. |
| “You’re fine now, so one drink won’t hurt.” | For someone in recovery, this minimizes the seriousness of recovery and can lead to temptation. |
| “You were so much fun when you were drinking.” | This comment can invalidate their choice and implies they’ve lost value by being sober. |
| “At least your problem wasn’t as bad as .” | Comparing struggles can trivialize their experience |
What do you say at different stages of alcohol addiction recovery?
Alcoholism isn’t black and white. People can be in different stages of recovery, ranging from being in total denial to being months or years into recovery and going strong. Once you’re familiar with their journey, you can probe further.
Someone in denial is going to handle discussing their drinking differently than someone in active recovery. People in denial often resist the idea that their drinking is problematic, and you should avoid statements that may feel confrontational or judgmental.
So, if you know someone in denial about their alcoholism, you could ask them questions like “Have you noticed how drinking affects of your life?” or “What do you think about your drinking habits lately?” to avoid finger-pointing. Keep things light and open-ended. Let them know you’re there if they want to discuss it.
In active recovery, people have to work hard to change their relationship with alcohol. Always approach with compassion and respect, avoiding judgment or pressure and allow them to work on their recovery.
Helpful things to say to someone in this stage could be simple, such as, “I’m proud of the work you’re doing,” or “You’re doing something really courageous.” Sometimes, asking, “How can I support you on your recovery journey?” can be the best thing you could say.
Communicating with someone struggling with alcohol use disorder is a delicate but impactful process. By educating yourself, choosing your words carefully, and fostering empathy, you can encourage open dialogue and support their journey toward recovery.
Remember: Your patience and compassion can be a lifeline for someone facing this challenge. And above all, take care of your well-being while offering support — helping them starts with being a stable presence in their life.
Sources
- https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohols-effects-health/alcohol-topics/alcohol-facts-and-statistics/alcohol-use-disorder-aud-united-states-age-groups-and-demographic-characteristics#:~:text=According%20to%20the%202023%20National,AUD%20in%20the%20past%20year.&text=This%20includes%3A,12.1%25%20in%20this%20age%20group)&text=12.0%20million%20females%20ages%2012,8.3%25%20in%20this%20age%20group) ↩︎
- https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/understanding-alcohol-use-disorder ↩︎
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