Conversations about alcohol use are never easy – especially when they involve a co-parent. Add the complexity of shared custody, safety concerns, past conflict… and the discussion can quickly feel overwhelming and even downright frustrating.
Yet for many families, transparent alcohol monitoring becomes an essential tool for rebuilding trust and ensuring the well-being of children.
So, whether you’re following a court order or simply trying to create a safer co-parenting arrangement, the way you approach the conversation matters. If you are a Monitor or the parent tasked with reviewing the BAC results of a co-parent in a shared custody arrangement, this guide can help you.
If you’ve already tried to engage your co-parent in similar discussions, or you’ve attempted to negotiate with them about staying sober – we see you. Empower yourself with the following tips to help direct the focus of monitoring alcohol use to the needs of your children.
At a Glance
- The Problem: Discussing alcohol monitoring with a co-parent can trigger defensiveness, escalate conflict, and threaten the stability of shared custody arrangements.
- Key Insight: Research indicates there is no single consistent response from individuals facing intervention; therefore, success relies on flexible, empathetic, and boundary-driven communication rather than rigid demands.
- Top 3 Strategies:
1. Lead with shared goals. Frame the request around child safety and stability rather than the co-parent’s behavior to reduce accusation.
2. Use neutral language. Replace emotional statements (“I don’t trust you”) with objective needs (“We need neutral data to prevent misunderstandings”).
3. Formalize the plan. Create a written agreement detailing the testing schedule, device type (e.g., BACtrack View), and protocols for missed tests to ensure accountability. - Communication Scripts (What to Say vs. Avoid):
- Instead of: “You’re unsafe to have around the kids.”
- Say: “I want us to create the safest environment possible for the kids.”
- Say: “I want us to create the safest environment possible for the kids.”
- Instead of: “I can’t trust anything you say, so you need to prove it.”
- Say: “Monitoring gives us neutral, objective information so we don’t end up arguing.”
- Say: “Monitoring gives us neutral, objective information so we don’t end up arguing.”
- Instead of: “You’re unsafe to have around the kids.”
- Expert Tip: “Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries – it simply means expressing them respectfully. provides neutral, objective information so both parents can operate from the same set of facts.” – Rychel Johnson, M.S., LCPC
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
10 tips for peaceful communication with an alcoholic co-parent
Talking to a co-parent about alcohol monitoring is a delicate undertaking, but it can also be an opportunity to create a more stable co-parenting environment. Alcohol monitoring could be the missing link to successful co-parenting, AND helpful in stability for someone dealing with alcohol misuse.
When handled with empathy and clarity, alcohol monitoring becomes a neutral tool that reduces conflict and supports long-term change.
1. Start with your shared goal: your children’s safety and stability
Regardless of their relationship history, most co-parents share one common priority: their children. Opening the conversation from this shared value makes your request to start alcohol monitoring feel less like an accusation and more like a collaboration. The goal is to move forward in a concrete and consistent manner for the sake of your children.
Defining your family’s goal at this stage is crucial. Is it important for your co-parent to achieve complete sobriety? Cut back on problematic drinking? Abstain from drinking during custodial time only or in the days leading up to a visit? These questions must be clarified before discussing the use of monitoring.
2. Explain what alcohol monitoring actually is — and isn’t
People sometimes react negatively to the idea of alcohol monitoring because they assume it’s punitive or invasive. But explaining the process can reduce anxiety and prevent misunderstandings.
Key points to highlight in this conversation could include:
- Alcohol monitoring provides objective and time-stamped data.
- Tools like BACtrack View are discreet and easy to integrate into daily routines.
- Monitoring is not about “catching” someone — it’s about creating clarity and accountability without constantly having to ask, “Are you sober?”
- It helps both parents demonstrate responsibility, which benefits the whole family.
- It helps parents keep their scheduled times with their children and minimize potential disruptions.
3. Be clear about why you’re making the request
Ambiguous requests (“I just think you should monitor”) tend to escalate tension. Clear, specific reasoning tends to be received better. Stay factual and avoid emotional language wherever possible.
Consider framing the request by mentioning:
- Safety concerns you’ve observed (e.g., driving while intoxicated, young children left unsupervised, etc.)
- Court or mediation recommendations
- Previous agreements or discussions
- Your desire to avoid future conflict
A clearly communicated discussion may start like this: “We’ve had a few exchanges where I felt unsure about sobriety. I don’t want either of us operating on assumptions — monitoring gives us neutral information so we can avoid conflict and keep the kids safe.”
4. Discuss the type of monitoring you’re requesting – and get specific
Monitoring methods can vary widely depending on what device is used or what your custody arrangements may be, so offering specifics helps your co-parent understand the expectations.
For example, tests may be scheduled before pickups, drop-offs, or parenting time. During longer custodial periods, continuous monitoring may be utilized. And if required by court order, randomized testing is a possibility.
Keep the tone collaborative rather than rigid by opening a discussion about what feels like a reasonable testing schedule for your co-parent. They may prefer set times – the key is creating a schedule and sticking to it. Even if you ultimately need to follow a court-mandated schedule, offering dialogue shows respect.
5. Lead with empathy – not accusations
Accusations are viewed as confrontational, which has been shown to create more defensiveness and potentially lead to refusal to participate in alcohol use monitoring.
Your co-parent may feel embarrassed or afraid of being judged. Acknowledging the emotional weight of the situation can de-escalate tension. Empathy doesn’t mean avoiding boundaries – it simply means expressing them respectfully.
You might say: “I know this isn’t an easy conversation. I appreciate the effort you’re willing to make.”
6. Present monitoring as a path to rebuilding trust
Monitoring can feel like a burden, but it can also be reframed as a concrete way to demonstrate reliability. For many, this reframing turns resistance into motivation.
Try framing it like this: “Consistent tests can help us rebuild trust faster. This creates more freedom and a clearer path for co-parenting our kids.”
7. Use neutral, third-party language
Neutral language keeps the conversation solution-focused rather than personal. Being neutral is not always human nature–we’re being protective of our precious children, after all. You have likely been personally impacted by your co-parent’s drinking issues in the past. While extremely challenging, neutral language goes a long way in nurturing a cooperative co-parenting relationship.
Instead of telling them, “I don’t trust you” or “You need to prove yourself”, neutral language highlights a need for objectivity. Instead, you could try, “Monitoring helps us avoid misunderstandings and removes pressure from both of us.”
8. Offer options and tools to make it easier
Your co-parent may be more open if you make the process simple. When the path is easy and transparent, the resistance often drops significantly.
When initiating the monitoring process, offer to help with setup and share how the BACtrack View app works. Consider providing testing schedules or templates for your co-parent, and clarify how reports are sent and stored if they need help with this process.
Taking some time and patience for initial monitoring setup is worth it and can establish a cooperative environment.
9. Prepare for pushback, but stay calm
You know your co-parent well, but it’s likely your first time engaging in a discussion about alcohol monitoring with them. It can be hard to predict how they could react to the subject: Research shows that there is no consistent response from alcoholics when being asked to engage in any intervention – so, what constitutes a “successful conversation” about monitoring could look different for everyone.
But it is normal for an alcoholic co-parent to feel threatened or overwhelmed by this topic. If emotions rise, you have some options:
- Stay on message and stick to the plan to be neutral.
- Bring the focus back to the children.
- Avoid engaging in arguments about past behavior.
- Suggest mediation if the conversation stalls.
10. Put the agreement in writing
Once you’ve discussed the terms for alcohol monitoring, get them in writing. This prevents confusion and reinforces clear expectations. Clear documentation isn’t designed to make anyone feel bad; it protects both parents and keeps things equitable.
A written plan can include:
- Testing schedule
- System type (e.g., BACtrack View)
- Who receives reports
- Consequences for missed or failed tests
- Processes for modifying the plan
What to Say vs. What Not to Say When Discussing Alcohol Monitoring
| What to Say (Helpful & Productive) ✅ | What Not to Say (Escalates Conflict) ❌ |
|---|---|
| “I want us to create the safest environment possible for the kids.” | “You’re unsafe to have around the kids.” |
| “Monitoring gives us neutral, objective information so we don’t end up arguing.” | “I can’t trust anything you say, so you need to prove it.” |
| “This isn’t about blame — it’s about clarity and consistency.” | “This is your fault, and I’m done dealing with your problems.” |
| “Would you be open to discussing a testing schedule that works for both of us?” | “Here’s the testing schedule you’re going to follow.” |
| “I appreciate that this conversation is uncomfortable. I’m trying to handle it respectfully.” | “If you cared about the kids, you wouldn’t make this so difficult.” |
| “Using BACtrack View results protects both of us from misunderstandings.” | “I need proof because I never know whether you’re drinking or not.” |
| “Let’s focus on moving forward with a plan that works for our family.” | “I’m bringing this up because of everything you’ve messed up in the past.” |
| “This is something many co-parents use to rebuild trust and reduce conflict.” | “Normal people don’t need monitoring — but you do.” |
| “If we can agree on this, exchanges and communication will be so much smoother.” | “If you refuse this, I’ll take you back to court.” (unless legally necessary) |
| “I’m not trying to control you — I’m trying to protect our kids and avoid future tension.” | “I need to keep an eye on you because I never know what you’ll do.” |
The way forward with alcohol monitoring
Discussing alcohol monitoring with a co-parent is rarely simple, but it can be a pivotal step toward creating a calmer and more predictable environment for children. By approaching the conversation with empathy and a focus on shared goals, you shift the dynamic from confrontation to collaboration.
Because alcohol monitoring isn’t about punishment. It’s about transparency. It provides neutral, objective information so both parents can operate from the same set of facts. When the emotional weight is removed, communication becomes easier and routines become more stable.
Remember: You don’t have to convince, argue, or diagnose. Your role is simply to advocate for what your children need. With thoughtful preparation and steady boundaries, you can open the door to healthier communication and stronger relationships for everyone involved.
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