Growing up and dealing with an alcoholic parent is a battle you didn’t ask for.
Whether you experienced their alcoholism as a child or their addiction evolved after you moved out, it can be hard to know what to do.
After all, they were your caregiver – not the other way around. What is your role supposed to be now?
It’s normal to feel uncertain about your role in helping your parents once you become an adult, perhaps moving on to focus on building your own family or career. Relationships with parents are complicated, and watching over an alcoholic parent is an enormous responsibility to take on.
Read on to learn about shared experiences that children of alcoholics face and how to deal with an alcoholic parent. Try these tips if you have an alcoholic parent – to protect their well-being, and yours as well.
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs)
Growing up in an unpredictable or chaotic environment around problematic drinking can lead to difficulties with trust, self-esteem, and forming healthy relationships into adulthood.
Individuals who carry the emotional and psychological effects of an upbringing where alcohol was center stage are known as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs).1
Some ACOAs unconsciously seek out dysfunctional relationships, repeating familiar patterns from childhood, while others become overly independent, avoiding vulnerability at all costs.
Because of these struggles unique to ACOAs, you may feel resentment toward your alcoholic parent, and helping them is the furthest thing from your mind–you aren’t alone in feeling this way.
5 tips on how to deal with an alcoholic parent
Helping alcoholic parents is emotionally challenging. Showing your support makes a difference, but what care is appropriate for your situation?
Even with the best of intentions and resources, dealing with an alcoholic parent can feel intimidating and potentially isolating. How in the world are you supposed to cope emotionally and mentally when dealing with an alcoholic parent?
1. Educate yourself on alcoholism.
Understanding alcoholism is the first step in dealing with alcoholic parents.
Alcoholism is a disease, not just a bad habit–start by educating yourself on addiction and its effects to understand better the struggle your parent is enduring.
Reputable online resources, such as the NIAAA online database, can provide a starting place for your research. Consider checking other community organizations for additional resources.
If your parent has significant medical issues or if you have an elderly alcoholic parent, alcohol can be especially dangerous for them in any quantity. Understanding these risks can help you approach the subject from a different angle, using a focus on health.
Similarly, if their drinking is impacting their ability to make safe decisions, seeking information on obtaining guardianship or power of attorney could be a useful next step.
2. Set boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t necessarily comfortable to set, but they are key to establishing protection for your mental and emotional well-being. Boundaries can be situational, such as limiting interactions when your parent is intoxicated, or avoiding enabling behaviors like making excuses or covering for them.
Additionally, boundaries can help protect your well-being as you decide what you will or will not do to support your parents and stick to them. For example, you may offer support by helping them find treatment options, but communicate your intention not to attend support groups.
In many cases, a doctor or other medical professional can be more influential than an adult child. Don’t take this personally, but it can help your boundaries if you seek support from a doctor (when appropriate) to assess your parent for alcohol dependence or potential intervention.
3. Communicate effectively.
Approach your parent empathetically and encourage open, non-judgmental communication. Expressing your concerns with care rather than criticism can help both parties feel safe communicating and pursuing recovery. Always choose a calm and sober moment to express your concerns.
Focus on letting your parent know you’re there to support them. When expressing your concerns, use “I” statements to share how their drinking affects you and to avoid blaming them. You should definitely avoid initiating serious conversations or arguing while they are under the influence.
4. Encourage treatment and support.
Remember that your support is meaningful, but ultimately, they must decide to change. In a peaceful and sober moment, suggest professional help, such as therapy, rehab, or support groups. If you’re comfortable and willing, you can offer to attend a support group with your parents–it shows you’re there for them and helps you develop a greater understanding of alcohol addiction.
If you’re unable to help an alcoholic parent in person because you live far away, let them know you’re willing to help them locate treatment options online or contact treatment facilities if needed.
One method of offering support while also maintaining a healthy amount of distance? Sobriety apps like BACtrack View.
Our remote alcohol monitoring system (complete with an app-connected breathalyzer) allows children to stay connected with their alcoholic parents and help them stay accountable to their sobriety goals, no matter where they’re located.
5. Focus on your well-being.
The truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Even while navigating the deep, uncertain waters of a parent’s addiction, you must prioritize self-care and pursue activities and relationships that bring you joy and stability. You are not responsible for a parent’s choices or recovery, and you have a life to live.
Prioritizing care of yourself while a parent is struggling is not selfish—supporting someone with alcoholism can be draining.
Some ideas for protecting your well-being may include:
- Have a support system in place with family and friends
- Prioritize your mental health by seeking therapy to process your emotions
- Find a support group like Al-Anon that’s created for family members of alcoholics. Check out some popular options below:
5 Support Groups for Children of Alcoholics
| Organization | Description |
|---|---|
| Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families (ACA) | ACA is a 12-step program for individuals who grew up in dysfunctional homes, providing a safe environment to share experiences and embark on a journey of healing from childhood trauma. |
| Al-Anon Family Groups / Alateen | Al-Anon offers support to friends and families of alcoholics, while Alateen specifically caters to teenagers affected by someone else’s drinking, providing mutual support and understanding. |
| National Association for Children of Addiction (NACoA) | NACoA is dedicated to eliminating the adverse impact of alcohol and drug use on children and families, offering resources, education, and advocacy for those affected by parental addiction. |
| Families Anonymous (FA) | FA is a 12-step fellowship for relatives and friends of individuals with drug or alcohol issues, providing support and promoting recovery through shared experiences and mutual assistance. |
| Centerstone’s Children of Alcoholics (COA) Groups | Centerstone offers support groups for children of alcoholics, creating a safe space for young individuals to share their experiences and receive guidance alongside peers facing similar challenges. |
Many children of alcoholics feel resentful of their parents, so you aren’t alone if you feel this way or even if you don’t want to help them at all. Remember: Your feelings are valid regardless of your role in their recovery.
But by acknowledging your parent’s past and working through its impact, you can develop healthier relationships and improve your sense of self-worth.
Helping an alcoholic parent while upholding boundaries
Having an alcoholic parent can be an overwhelming and emotionally complex experience.
It can feel isolating if you don’t know anyone else with an alcoholic parent, feeling like you’re the only one in this predicament. As an adult child of an alcoholic, you may feel a deep sense of guilt or helplessness.
While you cannot force them to change, your compassion and encouragement may help them take the steps needed toward recovery.
And as isolating and confusing as dealing with an alcoholic parent can be, there are tools and resources widely available – no one expects you to fully support and provide intervention for your parent.
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