Finding out that a loved one has relapsed can feel like the ground that was once so steady below your feet has entirely shifted below you. You might feel a rush of different emotions all at once – fear for your loved one’s safety, anger that this is happening again, even deep disappointment. Your feelings are entirely valid and completely your own. However, it’s important to know what to say to someone who relapsed, how to take control of your feelings, and translate them in a way that doesn’t hurt your loved one.
At a Glance
- The Problem: Rebuilding communication and trust after a loved one relapses without causing further shame or emotional damage.
- Quick Reframing: View addiction as a chronic disease (like diabetes or hypertension); a relapse is a sign to adjust the treatment plan, not a sign of failure.
- Top 3 Tips/Strategies:
1. Lead with Unconditional Support: Reassure them that your care hasn’t changed, even if you need to set temporary boundaries for your own mental health.
2. Practice Active Listening: Create a non-judgmental “safe space” by listening without interrupting or planning a rebuttal.
3. Validate Previous Progress: Remind them that a relapse does not “reset the clock” to zero or erase the months of sobriety already achieved. - Expert Tip: “Whatever you had, you can have again… the way to lifelong sobriety isn’t to give up after a relapse, but to keep coming back and continuing treatment.” – Veronica Huerta Foster, Certified Peer Support Specialist.
Fortunately, even if you’re new to dealing with a relapse or simply aren’t the type of person who is usually confrontational, there are ways to approach someone with empathy and kindness while also setting boundaries.
Wondering what to say to someone who relapsed? This guide is your starting point.
Understanding relapse as part of recovery
When you’re in the middle of a fit of anger or between tears, it’s hard to think of any other thoughts besides, “Why do they keep going back to drugs or drinking? Why can’t they just try harder? What am I doing wrong?”
Thoughts like these can keep both you and your loved one stuck in a vicious cycle of guilt and shame. So, knowing how relapse relates to sobriety can help you break down these negative thoughts and reframe your thinking.
Medical experts agree that relapse and addiction go hand in hand. That’s because addiction is considered a chronic disease that needs lifelong treatment to manage. Just like someone with diabetes needs to manage their diet and lifestyle to avoid blood sugar spikes, or someone with hypertension needs to stay on top of their medications to manage their blood pressure, someone with addiction needs constant treatment to manage their sobriety.
Viewing addiction through this lens changes the conversation. It shifts the questions you might have for your loved one from “What did you do wrong?” to “What do we need to change about your recovery plan?”
When you understand that relapse is often a part of the long-term recovery journey (not the end of it), you can approach your loved one with curiosity rather than accusation. When you feel yourself boiling over in anger, remember:
- Relapse is as common in addiction as it is in other conditions like diabetes, asthma, and hypertension.
- Relapse doesn’t mean someone lacks ambition or willpower, but it does mean their treatment plan needs to change.
- Addiction is chronic and takes a lifetime to manage.
- Just because addiction doesn’t have a “cure” doesn’t mean recovery is impossible.
What to say to someone who relapsed: 4 phrases that heal
When someone has relapsed, they are often already drowning in both internal and external shame. Research shows that external shame, like that from family, is a high predictor of more alcohol use and relapse. Your loved one doesn’t need you to remind them that they have “messed up” or have had a setback – they know. What they need now is to know that they are still loved and that recovery is still possible.
How can you share that with your loved one while still setting boundaries? Here are some supportive ways to open the conversation.
1. “I love you, and that hasn’t changed.”
Love and support are the most important messages you can provide. Relapse can make a person feel unworthy of love and make them question whether you will continue to support them in their recovery journey.
Reassuring them that your care and support are unconditional provides a safe foundation for moving forward and figuring out what your loved one can do differently in their sobriety journey.
But, if you need to set boundaries for the time being, that’s ok too. For instance, you can let your loved one know, “I love you and will continue to support you. But, I need time to myself for a couple of days.” Or, you can say, “I’m here for you, but right now I need to take care of myself.” Remember, never feel guilty for taking time to do some inner healing or take care of yourself.
The phrase, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” has never been truer, especially for loved ones of people with addiction disorders.
2. “I’m here to listen, not to judge.”
Make it clear that you are a safe space. If they fear your anger, your loved one may lie or minimize the extent of the relapse. Your wrath might make them not share what triggers led to using again, or even deny the relapse altogether. Again, this doesn’t mean that you have to hide your emotions and pretend their relapse doesn’t hurt.
What it does mean is that you need to learn how to communicate without exploding in anger (easier said than done). One of the best things you can do is take some time to cool down, gather what you want to say, and then find the proper words to share your thoughts about the relapse while still leaving space open for your loved one.
You can also say things like, “I don’t know why you relapsed, but I want to know because you and your recovery matter to me,” or, “I want to figure this out with you, and am here to listen to you wholeheartedly.” Reminding them you’re not here to judge them is both honest and sets the tone for future recovery.
3. “This doesn’t erase the progress you’ve made.”
Remind your loved one that the days, months, or years of sobriety they achieved before their relapse still count, and are still something to be proud of. They aren’t starting from zero; they are starting from experience and with your support by their side.
When working as a health technician and peer support at the VA, I saw many of the same veterans come through our doors multiple times a year due to relapses. I also saw some veterans who had lost all of their housing, their multiple months of sobriety, and even family within days of walking out of our program. Both types of veterans, those with years and months of sobriety and those who could only go weeks in between using, had my utmost respect because of one reason – dedication.
I remember one veteran, we’ll call him Mike, who had made so much progress he hosted our 12-step meetings, obtained housing, and completed our program after one year of sobriety. Three months after leaving our program, I saw him again – he was disheveled and he had lost his housing voucher.
“I guess I really messed it up, didn’t I?” he said to me. I said to him, “No, you didn’t mess up. You just need more time. Whatever you had, you can have again.”
Remember, your loved one is in need of support. They must be reminded that the way to lifelong sobriety isn’t to give up after a relapse, but like the veterans I encountered, to keep coming back and continuing treatment.
4. “How can I support you right now?”
Everyone’s reason for relapse is different. Your loved one might have relapsed because they felt they needed more support, or because they were confronted with a trigger that was too difficult to resist. In any case, it’s important to ask your loved one how you can support them in this moment.
Ask if they would like to talk about what happened or if there is anything specific you can do to help them through this time. Whether that’s to take them to the nearest rehab center, to take them to the emergency room, or simply to sit with them in silence, all of these are powerful tools that can support and keep your loved one from going back to using again.
What not to say to someone who relapsed (and what to say instead)
Now is a good time to talk about the “Do’s and Don’ts” of supporting a loved one in recovery. Certain phrases or actions can often be counterproductive and may even harm your loved one’s progress. Here are some things you should avoid saying or doing after a relapse.
| DON’T ❌ | DO ✅ |
|---|---|
| Don’t use victimizing statements such as “How could you do this to me?” While your pain is real, centering the conversation on your feelings during the acute crisis adds guilt to their burden, which can trigger further substance use. | Do approach them with love and support. Your loved one needs to know that you care about them and are there for them no matter what. Let them know that they are not alone in this journey and that you will help them through it. |
| Don’t make assumptions about the reasons for the relapse. Relapses are complex events and often have multiple underlying factors and stages. Instead of assuming you know why it happened, ask your loved one how they’re feeling and what contributed to their relapse. | Do encourage professional help if needed. Sometimes, a relapse may be a sign that your loved one needs additional support in their recovery journey. As someone without addiction training, it can be tough to know what led to their relapse or what to do next. Encourage them to go back to rehab, enroll in detox, talk to their sponsor, or use other resources to help them get back on track. |
| Don’t shame or criticize your loved one for their relapse. Shame and criticism only serve to reinforce negative self-talk and can lead to a deeper sense of hopelessness. | Do be patient and understanding. Recovery is a lifelong journey, and setbacks are bound to happen along the way. It’s important to be patient with your loved one and understand that healing takes time. |
| Don’t ignore their feelings about the relapse or talk over your loved one. Your loved one may be feeling guilty, ashamed, or disappointed in themselves for relapsing. Ignoring these emotions or telling them not to feel that way will only invalidate their experience and hinder their healing process. | Do use active listening. Sometimes, the best thing to say is nothing at all. Active listening involves being fully present with the person without planning your response while they are talking. When they are explaining what happened or how they feel, maintain eye contact. Nod to show you are following. Reflect back what you hear to ensure you understand. By slowing the conversation down and truly hearing them, you turn a potential argument into a collaborative discussion about what went wrong and how to fix it. |
| Don’t use ultimatums or threats. When emotions are running high, it can be tempting to use ultimatums or make threats in an attempt to control the situation. However, these tactics often only escalate the conflict and create a power struggle. | Do stay focused on finding a solution. Instead of trying to assign blame or make an ultimatum, what works best is to stay focused on finding a solution. Whether that means you need to take some time to cool off, or your loved one needs to re-enroll in therapy or rehab, the goal should always be finding a way to move forward. |
What to say to someone who relapsed: the bottom line
A relapse feels like a storm, but storms pass. By choosing your words carefully, listening with empathy, and using the right tools to rebuild trust, you can help your loved one weather this moment. Recovery is rarely a straight line. It is a winding road with uphill climbs and occasional stumbles. What matters most is that when they stumble, there is a hand reaching out to help them up, not a voice pushing them down.
Frequently Asked Questions
About The Author
