Whether you are married, separated, or divorced, co-parenting with an alcoholic is a demanding task. It can be frustrating and nerve-racking, and it can be physically and emotionally draining on all members of the family.
If you are a parent whose spouse, ex, or partner suffers with alcohol use disorder (AUD), don’t be discouraged. There are many things you can do to help your child, your child’s alcoholic parent, and yourself, to successfully undertake the demands of co-parenting with an alcoholic partner. If you are strong for your child and maintain a healthy balance in your own life, you can support a safe and workable parenting plan with your co-parent, while still maintaining a stable and nurturing relationship with your child.
Here are ten things you can implement immediately to develop a more effective co-parenting relationship with someone suffering from AUD.
Editor’s note: When we talk about an “alcoholic,” we’re referring to someone who is struggling with an alcohol use disorder. While the term “alcoholic” is still widely used, it is outdated and can sometimes carry negative connotations and judgment, which can hinder understanding and compassion. In certain instances, we do include “alcoholic” to ensure that a wide range of individuals – who adopt a wide range of terms – can easily find and access our resources. However, it’s more accurate and empathetic to use the phrase “person with an alcohol use disorder.” This term reflects the complexity of the condition rather than ascribing it to someone as a personality trait.
1. Put your child’s best interests first
If you want to co-parent effectively with an alcoholic parent and be confident that your child is safe and not subject to your co-parent’s alcoholic tendencies, there is one rule above all others that you must follow at all times; that is – always put your child’s best interest first.
In making any custody decisions for your child, you always must do what is best for the health, safety, and welfare of your child. Yes, life can be difficult and unfair, and parenting is hard. Co-parenting with an alcoholic who has their own needs and hurdles to overcome can easily complicate your parenting decisions. Depending on the level of alcoholism your co-parent is dealing with, visitations can be unpredictable, appointments can be missed, and schedules may need to be changed without notice.
But you can eliminate many of the complications your co-parent brings to the table by simply deciding what is in your child’s best interest – and acting only toward that end. The needs and demands of your co-parent, and even your own needs and desires, must be secondary to the best interest of your child.
This is really the only rule. The remaining points are simply helpful reminders that you can begin to practice every day to assist you in successfully co-parenting with your child’s alcoholic parent.
You can eliminate many of the complications your co-parent brings to the table by simply deciding what is in your child’s best interest – and acting only toward that end.”
2. Be proactive
If your co-parent struggles with alcohol, put measures in place to protect your child before your partner’s alcohol use results in negative consequences. This may include:
- Participating in family counseling
- Setting a reasonable custody schedule
- Clearly defining acceptable and unacceptable behavior
- Scheduling alcohol testing with a system like BACtrack View
- Agreeing on custody alternatives in case of relapse or emergency
Don’t just be reactive to the ups and downs of your partner’s AUD treatment journey. Because when you’re co-parenting with an alcoholic – and you don’t know exactly which turn their addiction will take – you need to take affirmative steps to protect your child before any dangerous circumstances arise.
3. Have a court-approved parenting plan – in writing
If you and your co-parent are no longer together, committing to an agreed-upon (and court-approved) parenting plan is absolutely critical. It should hold your co-parent accountable for their behavior while also supporting their efforts to co-parent your child – within safe and healthy boundaries.
An effective parenting plan will include a specific custody schedule describing:
- Regular days of the week for custody or visitation
- Specific drop-off and pick-up times
- The nature of visitations (supervised or unsupervised)
It will also set reasonable boundaries, including:
- Anticipated activities
- Possible travel plans
- Expected interactions with third-parties, all of which should be discussed and agreed upon in advance
Furthermore, a well-drawn-up plan will outline clear expectations for each parent, such as:
- How each parent can reach the child when they are with the other parent
- Any agreed-upon pre-visit alcohol monitoring tests
- Preparations for the child’s return, such as homework, hygiene, and feeding schedule.
Having an agreed-upon parenting plan documented in writing and – better yet – approved by the court is the best way to memorialize expectations and demonstrate whether the co-parent is making progress in his or her efforts to satisfy the best interests of your child.
Child Custody Agreement Template
4. Understand your role
Children growing up with an alcoholic parent can experience a variety of negative consequences resulting from their alcoholic parent’s behavior.
How children experience the role of the non-alcoholic parent in the family dynamic is an important factor in the child’s ability to cope. Children of alcoholics rely on the other parent as a source of support and stability. Understanding your role helps you prioritize your child’s best interests when making custody decisions.
5. Set boundaries
An important part of protecting your child, while co-parenting with an alcoholic, is setting clearly-defined boundaries for appropriate and inappropriate behavior. This may include:
- Restrictions on alcohol consumption during custody periods or visitations
- Limiting the child’s exposure to harmful behavior
- Monitoring visitations and telephone or online interactions
- Providing a safe environment for children at all times
- Clearly expressing the expectations of all family members and the consequences of overstepping agreed-upon boundaries
6. Take advantage of available resources
There are many professional resources available to assist a parent in protecting a child from the effects of alcoholism in the family. These include:
- Individual counseling that provides parenting and coping skills
- Family therapy focused on parenting and the needs of the child
- Rehabilitation services that address the needs of the alcoholic as well as family members
- Legal services, including court involvement to provide oversight, implement necessary services, and regulate appropriate custody arrangements
- Blood alcohol recording systems like BACtrack to easily and accurately monitor a parent’s alcohol consumption.
Legal services may include representation by an attorney or supervised visitation. Court supervision can be requested upon an initial custody determination when divorced. If married, petitioning the court to provide family services such as counseling, parenting classes, or rehabilitation referrals can be done any time you deem it necessary or helpful. If the child is ever placed in danger as a result of your co-parent’s behavior, you should request court involvement immediately.
7. Listen to your child
Your child may not recognize the signs of intoxication or alcohol abuse, but discussing your child’s experiences while in the custody of the other parent may reveal behaviors that raise concern for the child’s safety. These may involve the other parent demonstrating:
- Slurred speech (“Daddy was talking funny”)
- Mood changes (“Mommy was angry and was crying”)
- Physical limitations (“Dad fell down the stairs”)
- Confusion (“Mom forgot to pick me up at school”)
- “Hang-over” symptoms (“Dad was in bed the entire weekend”)
- Dangerous behaviors (“Mom fell asleep on the couch with a lit cigarette”; “Dad got pulled over driving me home from practice”)
- Neglect (“Mommy left me alone in the house”; “Daddy didn’t wake me up for school”)
These behaviors are not determinative of alcohol use or intoxication, of course, but they may raise concerns and warrant further inquiry into the other parent’s behavior and its effect on the child’s safety while in the custody of your co-parent. Be sure to always document your child’s activities and experiences while in the custody of your co-parent.
Even though you may not have proof of specific behaviors, keeping a record of all interactions between your child and your co-parent, including dates, times, activities, and your child’s disposition upon return, is relevant evidence that may be admitted in court during a future modification of custody or contempt hearing.
8. Talk with your child (appropriately)
A parent’s alcoholic behaviors can affect individual children differently depending on the child’s age, maturity, and support system.
Engaging in honest and age-appropriate conversations with your child about your co-parent’s condition and your expectations for their behavior will go a long way toward alleviating your child’s fears and confusion and setting healthy expectations.
9. Be cooperative and supportive
A parent struggling with alcohol abuse is entitled to appropriate custody time with their child as long as their disorder does not place the child in danger or negatively affect the child. Likewise, a child benefits from a healthy and nurturing relationship with his or her parent, even if the parent is in recovery.
Supporting and encouraging your child’s healthy relationship with the other parent is important for your child’s well-being and helpful to your co-parent in their efforts for recovery and stable custody with their child.
And in my experience, the court always looks favorably on a parent who seeks to facilitate and nurture the child’s relationship with the other parent, as this is normally in the child’s best interest.
10. Be patient when appropriate – but intolerant when necessary
The journey of recovery is hardly ever a straight path. Relapses are common and custody arrangements often have to change during recovery. Being patient and supportive of your co-parent’s recovery process is important to your child’s stability and overall well-being.
But knowing where to draw the line is critical for your child’s safety. You must be consistent in setting boundaries and sticking to them. You should never tolerate abusive or harmful behaviors that you suspect may place your child in danger. Employing an alcohol monitoring system – with a reasonable and fair testing schedule – is a perfect way to know where and when to draw the line.
The bottom line on co-parenting with an alcoholic
Co-parenting with an alcoholic isn’t easy – emotionally, practically, or legally. But it’s not impossible.
The key is to stay focused on your child’s well-being, set clear and enforceable boundaries, and take proactive steps when concerns arise. Recognize that you can’t control the other parent’s choices, but you can control how you respond, how you protect your child, and how you uphold consistency and safety in their life.
Above all, trust your instincts, lean on your support systems, and don’t be afraid to seek guidance when needed. Co-parenting in this context is a long road, but with the right tools and mindset, it’s one you can navigate with strength and clarity.
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