Can You Lose Custody for Not Co-Parenting? A Lawyer’s Verdict

Yes. Failure to co-parent a child can lead to a modification or termination of custody depending on how the child is affected by the parent’s behavior.

Every custody determination by a court is based on the best interest of the child. So, if one parent’s failure to effectively co-parent a child is shown to negatively affect the child or the child’s relationship with the other parent, the court may modify the existing custody arrangement to promote the best interest of the child. 

What does effective co-parenting actually look like?

Co-parenting a child can be difficult, especially after a separation or divorce, when each parent may not view the other parent in the most favorable light because of the issues that led to the break up of the marriage.

If the separation or divorce involved conflict over decision-making regarding the child to begin with, the parents may even be opposed to co-parenting and may feel justified in believing that the other parent should not have custody of the child. 

However, if the court determines that shared custody is in the child’s best interest, as difficult as it may be, a parent must overcome the urge to contest the child’s custody with the other parent. Although divorce allows parents to end their legal relationship with each other, the child’s relationship with each parent must continue because that is what is in the child’s best interest.

It is when a parent cannot separate his or her relationship with the other parent from the child’s relationship with the other parent that the parent is most susceptible to losing custody for not co-parenting in a way that serves the best interest of the child.  

What are the legal consequences of not co-parenting effectively?

When parents divorce and a court makes an initial custody determination for the child, every court bases its decision for legal and physical custody of the child on what is in the child’s best interest.

By law, some states require the court to presume that it is in the best interest of the child for the parents to share legal and physical custody of the child equally (“50/50”). Other states may presume that the child’s best interest is served by the parents sharing custody, but not necessarily under an equal or “50/50” division of physical custody time. Instead, one parent may have the child for the majority of the time (what is typically referred to as “primary” physical custody), while the other parent has “secondary” custody of the child (what is commonly referred to as the parent’s “visitation” time).

In either case, when the court makes a “joint” or “shared” custody award, it determines that it is in the child’s best interest to have a continuing relationship with both parents after the divorce, but for the parents to “co-parent” the child individually.

This “co-parenting” relationship places a legal obligation on each parent not only to provide for the best interest of the child when the child is in that parent’s custody, but for each parent to facilitate the best interest of the child by promoting and supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent. If a parent fails to satisfy this legal obligation, it can negatively affect the child and, as a result, that parent’s custody of the child.  

There is an abundance of empirical research demonstrating that when parents are unwilling or unable to effectively co-parent their child upon separation or divorce, the child is more likely to experience higher risks of long-term:

• Emotional problems
• Behavioral disorders
• Mental health conditions
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Substance abuse 

If a parent’s failure to effectively co-parent is shown to result in any such negative outcomes for the child, the court is justified in modifying or terminating the existing custody arrangement. 

Even if the parent truly believed that he or she was acting in the child’s best interest by not encouraging or supporting the child’s relationship with the other parent because he or she believed that the other parent was not entitled to have custody of the child, if the parent’s method of co-parenting negatively affects the child or the child’s relationship with the other parent, the court may modify or terminate that parent’s custody of the child.

10 things a parent must not do to effectively co-parent after separation or divorce

To protect against losing custody of a child after divorce, therefore, it is critical for a parent to understand what he or she must do – and perhaps more importantly, not do – to effectively co-parent a child in a way that fulfills the child’s best interest.  

Effective co-parenting after separation or divorce requires more than each parent simply providing for the child’s needs whenever the parent is enjoying his or her scheduled custody time with the child. When co-parenting, each parent is responsible for satisfying the general well-being and overall best interest of the child at all times.

And whether custody of the child is shared equally or is based on an unequal division of primary and secondary custody time, every court presumes that it is in the best interest of the child to have a healthy, nurturing, and positive relationship with each parent. 

Because when one parent either fails to support or actively interferes with the child’s relationship with the other parent, the court may find that it is no longer in the child’s best interest for that parent to continue to have custody of the child. Therefore, it is the responsibility of each parent, as part of satisfying the best interest of the child, to nurture and support the child’s relationship with the other parent. 

Here are ten things a parent must “do,” and ten things a parent must “not do,” to effectively co-parent a child after separation or divorce. 

1. Don’t make the child take sides.

Successful co-parenting only happens when the parents separate the conflict in their own relationship from their respective relationships with the child.

A parent should not ask or expect the child to take sides between the parents or to adopt a particular view of the other parent. and not involve the child in the parents’ conflict.  

2. Don’t disparage the other parent.

Effective co-parenting requires a parent to refrain from “bad-mouthing” the other parent in front of the child or expressing negative opinions about the other parent to the child.

A parent should remain objective about the other parent. You do not have to present the other parent as more than they are, but you must not diminish the other parent to the child.   

3. Don’t interfere.

Co-parenting means that both parents have the opportunity to parent without interference from the other parent. A good co-parent will not meddle in the child’s relationship with the other parent, try to interfere with their plans, or interrupt their efforts to communicate and enjoy their time together.  

4. Don’t use the child to communicate.

Effective co-parenting requires clear, respectful communication between the parents. They should not use the child to communicate with each other in an effort to avoid issues or interaction.

Using the child to relay information to the other parent not only involves the child in the parents’ issues, but it increases the likelihood of misunderstandings or misinterpretations.  

5. Don’t argue in front of the child.

It is inevitable that divorced parents will experience disagreement when co-parenting and may allow communication to evolve into conflict.

The goal of both parents should not be to avoid disagreement but rather to avoid airing their disagreements and conflicts in front of the child whenever possible. If you have to argue, agree to argue at another time, when the child is not present.  

6. Don’t use the child as a tool.

Personal issues between the parents should never involve the child, especially as a means of manipulating the other parent’s behavior.

Using the child and the other parent’s custody of the child as a bargaining chip to negotiate for other objectives or to achieve compromise in decision-making is contrary to the child’s best interest and is not an acceptable means of effective co-parenting.  

7. Don’t compete for the child’s attention.

Each parent should strive to have the best relationship they can have with the child without comparing the relationship with the child’s relationship with the other parent. Competing for the child’s love and attention only places pressure on the child and makes the child feel guilty for relating with the other parent. 

8. Don’t blame the child.

A child needs a stable, healthy relationship with both parents after the divorce just the same as he or she needed during the marriage.

If you are not happy about sharing custody, and if it is difficult to see the child enjoy custody time with the other parent, remember that the child did not choose these circumstances. You are sharing custody of the child because your relationship with the other parent ended. But the child’s relationship with the other parent has not.

Do not blame the child for needing and wanting their relationship with the other parent.  

9. Don’t lie to, for, or about the other parent.

When it comes to effective co-parenting, honestly is usually the best policy. Unless it is contrary to the child’s best interest:

• Do not lie to the other parent about the child;
• Do not lie to the child to make excuses for the other parent; and
• Do not lie to the child about the other parent to make them look bad in the eyes of the child.

Not only does lying break down the trust between you and the child, thereby affecting the quality of your relationship with the child, it demonstrates to the court that you are attempting to interfere with the child’s relationship with the other parent. This is the surest way to risk negatively affecting your own custody of the child.   

10. Don’t try to replace the other parent.

It is not uncommon for either parent to remarry after the divorce or to engage in other intimate or long-term relationship. If a parent remarries, it is only natural to want the new spouse to nurture a healthy and loving step-parent relationship with the child.

But do not let your efforts to promote this new relationship interfere with or change your support of the child’s relationship with the child’s other parent and your efforts to effectively co-parent together. 

The bottom line: Failing to co-parent can lead to loss of custody 

Divorce is often viewed by spouses as an opportunity to completely separate from each other’s lives. With respect to marital status and property rights, this is true. But when divorced spouses share custody of a child, they are bound by the obligation to work together. They are united in the duty to co-parent.

If either parent fails or refuses to cooperate in the duty to co-parent in a way that negatively affects the child or the child’s relationship with the other parent, the court can modify or terminate that parent’s custody of the child. 

To effectively co-parent so as not to risk losing custody of the child, a parent must take affirmative steps to support the child’s relationship with the other parent and avoid doing anything that interferes with that relationship or negatively influences the child’s perception of the other parent. 

Yes, co-parenting after divorce can be difficult. But ultimately, doing anything that makes parenting even more difficult for the other parent only jeopardizes your own right to custody. The court will not hesitate to modify or terminate that right if it determines it to be in the best interest of the child.